Where the Oleander Grows

I had this weird dream...

Hanna B, Liz S, Chelsea C, Sarah T-W, Kristen T-W, Emily P, Mia and I were all in a Dungeons and Dragons themed haunted house. Mia and I were dressed like swanky bards. We got to the end, and it was a movie theater. Everyone was dressed in post modern pirate garb. I was standing up tossing kernels of popcorn at each of them. Kristen and Hanna went to go get candy, a bag of holding and and ogre slaying sword with a +9 against ogres.

When I woke up I was so weirded out...

Because it was strange to see us all be friends again.

I had a terrible panic attack today.

I'm in love and I can't sleep a restful night without him.

Started a diet. If I'm not working I can at least work out and not eat like the old days.

Talked to my doctor about a potential issue. Things are going to be fine.

Mum gets the hint. When college is done, I'm moving out.

I introduced Christopher to the world of hardcore Pokemoning. Now he's playing Leaf Green and I'm chewing through Fire Red. Knowing that we're powerhousing through the game together, even if we're apart, is comforting. BEcause as silly as it is, when I fight a trainer with a silly catchphrase or find a useful item I think Chris is most likely coming across the same things. I'm fine with being apart. I think we both need some time to get back into sorts. I just wish I could zap myself to Bristol five minutes before I wanted to sleep and cuddle up with him. And then like... Magically be able to zap back in the morning. That would be fantastigi. 

But I guess there'd be a lot of tubes. LULZ

Went to Toronto for a week.

Staying with Christopher.

We said some pretty intense things to each other.

This could be...

Around for awhile.

I wrote a big long entry but then I deleted it.



Today I ate a half a yogurt.



It was the most deliciously painful thing...






I talked to Christopher. He made me toss my yogurt... I like him anyway.

Got my tonsils out today.

It. Hurts. I should have done this when I was a child. It wouldn't have been so crazy.

No heavy activity, shouting, or bending over for two weeks. My only concern is that I'm at a high risk for internal hemorrhaging because I'm so anemic. I was so fucked up on pain meds today that I thought my nurse was Christopher. She kept saying "I'm not your boyfriend." They told me later that I started crying and denying it. I absolutely don't remember. All of my doctors were wicked young and tooling around with each other. Before I got in the OR I told them that "Scrubs is just a TV show. Acting like JD and Turk isn't going to fly with all of your patients... But I think it's hysterical." So all in all, my first surgery experience was alright. Until afterwards. I was severely nauseous and had no balance. I was wheeled around everywhere and had to be kept there for nearly two extra hours. There was a problem getting my meds from the Pharmacy as well. It's been very painful. All of my doctors later said they were shocked at just how big my tonsils had always been. Good to know. I talked with Chris a little earlier. As soon as I heard his voice on the phone I started crying. I'm positive it's just the medication but, I was really scared and tense all today as well. Hearing him calmed me down so quickly I just didn't know how to deal. I dropped some vomit an hour ago. Could possibly be the most painful thing in recent memory.

 

I’m playing FFVIII. It’s a great game to be playing while I’m laid up because of the insane amounts of fiddling you can do with it. I’ve always been a huge fan of Rinoa and Squall, so it’s nice to see them again.

 

What can I say about my relationship with Chris? I’m delighted to be sharing such a special bond with him. We’ve had discussions that, in a normal situation, I would consider a “fight” and have been very stubborn. It’s amazing how easily you can understand another person when you both respect each other.

 

Monday: We went to Old Mystic Village and he didn’t seem too bugged when I wanted to peruse a couple shops. I was pretty pleased, you know? Hahaha. Then we went to the Beanery and watched the ducks for quite awhile. I’m always the type to go and do those things, so I’m thrilled to have a partner who enjoys just… Looking at things. I took some pictures and I couldn’t help but laugh when I found specific ducks that we had been coming up with little stories for. Then we went to a really beautiful place in Noank by the cove I hadn’t visited since I was real young. We curled up on a boulder and took respective naps. Eventually I took Chris crabbing. He was pretty good, too. I was distracted with smashing up bait and so endeared by Chris, who looked like he was having a good time, that I didn’t manage to catch any myself. It didn’t bother me to get skunked because then Chris got super excited to scavenge glass for me. I wasn’t in the mood to be picking up sea glass, but we had some nice chats and I’m always dying to hang out with him outside. It was a fabulous day. We went to go see Ironman. Fucking amazing. He held my hand the whole time and, even with our clammy hands, it was like a date. More fun times ensued and Venture Bros while I was knitting.

 

I’m sure you can tell how I felt about it all.

"Being with you is less like exploring a foreign country, and more like coming home."


Somehow I managed to secure over $150 worth of commissions just today. Zing! I'll be finished before my MSTLP comes on Sunday. If he comes on Sunday.


I also worked on the surprise for... I don't know how long. Long enough to listen to the holiday. CD twice and Zox's first album all the way through. The result is a sunburn on the back of my knees! Owies! But I look all tan and sleek with my hair swept up in a red clip. I was strutting around town taking photographs in my country-wife short dress. It was fun times.


I spent two hours recovering my bank account from fraudulent charges... I felt like such an adult. Now that I know I can manage my own accounts and handle my personal finances.


I also went to the Doctor and got everything all set for my T & A. (Not tits and ass...) Mum is taking me to Pequot to get it done. Should take about four hours. Then I'll be bedridden doing comics and commissions for a week.


Last night I slept from 11 to 4. Then I stayed up and talked to Christopher.


Maybe I'll play a little Diablo 2 now...


All in all? A great day.

Tonsils coming out. Birthday coming up.

I... I'm missing my boy.

And I'm disgustingly happy being with him.

Went tanning today. Sold things on the intertubes. Got a bunch of commissions. Trying to make money. It's hard being jobless.

Sewed a dress. I know right? I've been wearing them for two weeks now. I feel so weird putting slacks back on. This could totally become a permanent thing. I mean, for summer. IT's not like I'm going to go out an stock up on petticoats for winter. HAhahaha. I adore my skinny jeans and swanky sneakers too.

That's about it. I have a shitton going on, but... I'm off to talk to him some more.

Also, Mia and I are going crabbing this week! It's finally Summer....

So.

I need to apply for a job. And I have no idea where to work.

Mystic/Noank kids?

Give me some help here?

So in my last journal I had a lot of issues with being more involved in a not so defined relationship. Obviously, being a female and having a vagina makes me have super fun emotions. Most of which including the "OMG I LIKE I YOU BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M A CLINGY GIRL WITH A SURPLUS OF EMOTIONS" kind. After a talk with the boy, I found attachment is acceptable. Also? How long has it been since I've had reciprocation? It's fucking nice, yeah?

Also also?

Super cute boy is super cute.



Sooooo. What to do? Gotta get a job still. That is a fucking annoyance. Need monies for petrol. Otherwise how am I supposed to ship it back to BRistol for my sugars? YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. XD



Let's all play the same MMO over the Summer too. FTP and all that.




M M O P L Z

I'm in a relationship with no future. We won't see each other at all really over the summer. He is going to London next semester whilst I'll be in the Netherlands. We are constantly trying to hide the fact that we're together from everyone. We don't admit when we go on dates. We sleep in the same bed every night. He treats me well. I treat him well. It's my first relationship with no hope of longevity. But I can't help enjoying it as if we did have something that will last. And maybe that's what makes it so nice. That we have such a strong connection that we know will eventually just fade away. It doesn't make me sad, per say. It does make me laugh, when I realize how wrong I was about past relationships. In all honesty, I feel like, if I didn't have any professional goals for myself, I could find someone to be with in a long term kind of deal. As it stands, I just don't see myself being able to get married and settle down. Don't get me wrong. I want to have children and a house and all that nonsense. I really honestly do. Being in this relationship now has made me realize that I'm not even going to have time to think about these kinds of things until I'm long into my 20's. It's pretty sad. Knowing that anyone I meet now I'll never be able to stay with. Like I said, I keep looking at everything through these ignorant glasses. Like distance or time won't change things. But they will.

Chris, I'm falling for you, but I can't help holding back.

Sorry.

Guys I totally learned something for once. You know how I always post things that are uber fucking depressing? Sometimes... I just hang around brooding people. Well. I take that back. I used to. And that was making me super duper ultra mega depressed. And I don't sling that term around lightly. I mean, really depressed. But then... Something pretty okay happened. And. IT's going pretty well.


Nothing in terms of 'having a future.'

None of that.

And the hardest/easiest thing to do?


Is to just not question things.


And WHAT THE FUCK.





Why did no one tell me that works? And that it works beautifully?

Spring weekend, you were amazing.

My life now consists of lonesome dark times.

I'm restarting my 30 days tomorrow.

I think every time I think about one of those fuckers I'll just do sit ups. Seriously.

I just want to have someone to share the warm night air with.


please

Truffles...

I'm so sorry. I have to sell you.

I'm crying.

Lungs like a fish, bones of whale, if you've never seen me swim, then you've never seen my tail


"Because fish love is the least romantic thing evar"


Ahahaha

piotrthevisigoth: remember sex

I like to take the days from Valentine's day until now to mark a vary dark time in my life.

My actions were very childish and immature.

I'd like to humor myself into thinking that I've come a long way since then.

But, who knows?

I told Chris I couldn't be his friend.

I said, "So that's it."

He didn't say anything.

He let me leave.

Peter and I are going to the Netherlands.

Sure, I'll miss the fall.





I have to get away from these leech-like boys.