Where the Oleander Grows

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 12:44:30 GMT

I had this weird dream...

Hanna B, Liz S, Chelsea C, Sarah T-W, Kristen T-W, Emily P, Mia and I were all in a Dungeons and Dragons themed haunted house. Mia and I were dressed like swanky bards. We got to the end, and it was a movie theater. Everyone was dressed in post modern pirate garb. I was standing up tossing kernels of popcorn at each of them. Kristen and Hanna went to go get candy, a bag of holding and and ogre slaying sword with a +9 against ogres.

When I woke up I was so weirded out...

Because it was strange to see us all be friends again.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 01:33:35 GMT

I had a terrible panic attack today.

I'm in love and I can't sleep a restful night without him.

Started a diet. If I'm not working I can at least work out and not eat like the old days.

Talked to my doctor about a potential issue. Things are going to be fine.

Mum gets the hint. When college is done, I'm moving out.

I introduced Christopher to the world of hardcore Pokemoning. Now he's playing Leaf Green and I'm chewing through Fire Red. Knowing that we're powerhousing through the game together, even if we're apart, is comforting. BEcause as silly as it is, when I fight a trainer with a silly catchphrase or find a useful item I think Chris is most likely coming across the same things. I'm fine with being apart. I think we both need some time to get back into sorts. I just wish I could zap myself to Bristol five minutes before I wanted to sleep and cuddle up with him. And then like... Magically be able to zap back in the morning. That would be fantastigi.

But I guess there'd be a lot of tubes. LULZ

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 22:52:51 GMT

Went to Toronto for a week.

Staying with Christopher.

We said some pretty intense things to each other.

This could be...

Around for awhile.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 02:47:02 GMT

I wrote a big long entry but then I deleted it.

Today I ate a half a yogurt.

It was the most deliciously painful thing...

I talked to Christopher. He made me toss my yogurt... I like him anyway.

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:45:33 GMT

Got my tonsils out today.

It. Hurts. I should have done this when I was a child. It wouldn't have been so crazy.

No heavy activity, shouting, or bending over for two weeks. My only concern is that I'm at a high risk for internal hemorrhaging because I'm so anemic. I was so fucked up on pain meds today that I thought my nurse was Christopher. She kept saying "I'm not your boyfriend." They told me later that I started crying and denying it. I absolutely don't remember. All of my doctors were wicked young and tooling around with each other. Before I got in the OR I told them that "Scrubs is just a TV show. Acting like JD and Turk isn't going to fly with all of your patients... But I think it's hysterical." So all in all, my first surgery experience was alright. Until afterwards. I was severely nauseous and had no balance. I was wheeled around everywhere and had to be kept there for nearly two extra hours. There was a problem getting my meds from the Pharmacy as well. It's been very painful. All of my doctors later said they were shocked at just how big my tonsils had always been. Good to know. I talked with Chris a little earlier. As soon as I heard his voice on the phone I started crying. I'm positive it's just the medication but, I was really scared and tense all today as well. Hearing him calmed me down so quickly I just didn't know how to deal. I dropped some vomit an hour ago. Could possibly be the most painful thing in recent memory.

I’m playing FFVIII. It’s a great game to be playing while I’m laid up because of the insane amounts of fiddling you can do with it. I’ve always been a huge fan of Rinoa and Squall, so it’s nice to see them again.

What can I say about my relationship with Chris? I’m delighted to be sharing such a special bond with him. We’ve had discussions that, in a normal situation, I would consider a “fight” and have been very stubborn. It’s amazing how easily you can understand another person when you both respect each other.

Monday: We went to Old Mystic Village and he didn’t seem too bugged when I wanted to peruse a couple shops. I was pretty pleased, you know? Hahaha. Then we went to the Beanery and watched the ducks for quite awhile. I’m always the type to go and do those things, so I’m thrilled to have a partner who enjoys just… Looking at things. I took some pictures and I couldn’t help but laugh when I found specific ducks that we had been coming up with little stories for. Then we went to a really beautiful place in Noank by the cove I hadn’t visited since I was real young. We curled up on a boulder and took respective naps. Eventually I took Chris crabbing. He was pretty good, too. I was distracted with smashing up bait and so endeared by Chris, who looked like he was having a good time, that I didn’t manage to catch any myself. It didn’t bother me to get skunked because then Chris got super excited to scavenge glass for me. I wasn’t in the mood to be picking up sea glass, but we had some nice chats and I’m always dying to hang out with him outside. It was a fabulous day. We went to go see Ironman. Fucking amazing. He held my hand the whole time and, even with our clammy hands, it was like a date. More fun times ensued and Venture Bros while I was knitting.

I’m sure you can tell how I felt about it all.

Thu, 29 May 2008 22:40:01 GMT

"Being with you is less like exploring a foreign country, and more like coming home."

Somehow I managed to secure over $150 worth of commissions just today. Zing! I'll be finished before my MSTLP comes on Sunday. If he comes on Sunday.

I also worked on the surprise for... I don't know how long. Long enough to listen to the holiday. CD twice and Zox's first album all the way through. The result is a sunburn on the back of my knees! Owies! But I look all tan and sleek with my hair swept up in a red clip. I was strutting around town taking photographs in my country-wife short dress. It was fun times.

I spent two hours recovering my bank account from fraudulent charges... I felt like such an adult. Now that I know I can manage my own accounts and handle my personal finances.

I also went to the Doctor and got everything all set for my T & A. (Not tits and ass...) Mum is taking me to Pequot to get it done. Should take about four hours. Then I'll be bedridden doing comics and commissions for a week.

Last night I slept from 11 to 4. Then I stayed up and talked to Christopher.

Maybe I'll play a little Diablo 2 now...

All in all? A great day.

Thu, 29 May 2008 02:34:38 GMT

Tonsils coming out. Birthday coming up.

I... I'm missing my boy.

And I'm disgustingly happy being with him.

Went tanning today. Sold things on the intertubes. Got a bunch of commissions. Trying to make money. It's hard being jobless.

Sewed a dress. I know right? I've been wearing them for two weeks now. I feel so weird putting slacks back on. This could totally become a permanent thing. I mean, for summer. IT's not like I'm going to go out an stock up on petticoats for winter. HAhahaha. I adore my skinny jeans and swanky sneakers too.

That's about it. I have a shitton going on, but... I'm off to talk to him some more.

Also, Mia and I are going crabbing this week! It's finally Summer....

Wed, 14 May 2008 20:40:18 GMT

So.

I need to apply for a job. And I have no idea where to work.

Mystic/Noank kids?

Give me some help here?

Mon, 12 May 2008 06:24:53 GMT

So in my last journal I had a lot of issues with being more involved in a not so defined relationship. Obviously, being a female and having a vagina makes me have super fun emotions. Most of which including the "OMG I LIKE I YOU BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M A CLINGY GIRL WITH A SURPLUS OF EMOTIONS" kind. After a talk with the boy, I found attachment is acceptable. Also? How long has it been since I've had reciprocation? It's fucking nice, yeah?

Also also?

Super cute boy is super cute.

Sooooo. What to do? Gotta get a job still. That is a fucking annoyance. Need monies for petrol. Otherwise how am I supposed to ship it back to BRistol for my sugars? YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. XD

Let's all play the same MMO over the Summer too. FTP and all that.

M M O P L Z

Dear Everyone

Sat, 10 May 2008 00:11:30 GMT

I'm in a relationship with no future. We won't see each other at all really over the summer. He is going to London next semester whilst I'll be in the Netherlands. We are constantly trying to hide the fact that we're together from everyone. We don't admit when we go on dates. We sleep in the same bed every night. He treats me well. I treat him well. It's my first relationship with no hope of longevity. But I can't help enjoying it as if we did have something that will last. And maybe that's what makes it so nice. That we have such a strong connection that we know will eventually just fade away. It doesn't make me sad, per say. It does make me laugh, when I realize how wrong I was about past relationships. In all honesty, I feel like, if I didn't have any professional goals for myself, I could find someone to be with in a long term kind of deal. As it stands, I just don't see myself being able to get married and settle down. Don't get me wrong. I want to have children and a house and all that nonsense. I really honestly do. Being in this relationship now has made me realize that I'm not even going to have time to think about these kinds of things until I'm long into my 20's. It's pretty sad. Knowing that anyone I meet now I'll never be able to stay with. Like I said, I keep looking at everything through these ignorant glasses. Like distance or time won't change things. But they will.

Chris, I'm falling for you, but I can't help holding back.

Sorry.

Tue, 06 May 2008 13:59:14 GMT

Guys I totally learned something for once. You know how I always post things that are uber fucking depressing? Sometimes... I just hang around brooding people. Well. I take that back. I used to. And that was making me super duper ultra mega depressed. And I don't sling that term around lightly. I mean, really depressed. But then... Something pretty okay happened. And. IT's going pretty well.

Nothing in terms of 'having a future.'

None of that.

And the hardest/easiest thing to do?

Is to just not question things.

And WHAT THE FUCK.

Why did no one tell me that works? And that it works beautifully?

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 02:39:06 GMT

Spring weekend, you were amazing.

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 14:10:45 GMT

My life now consists of lonesome dark times.

I'm restarting my 30 days tomorrow.

I think every time I think about one of those fuckers I'll just do sit ups. Seriously.

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 04:22:10 GMT

I just want to have someone to share the warm night air with.

please

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 05:51:35 GMT

Truffles...

I'm so sorry. I have to sell you.

I'm crying.

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:43:46 GMT

Lungs like a fish, bones of whale, if you've never seen me swim, then you've never seen my tail

"Because fish love is the least romantic thing evar"

Ahahaha

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:17:40 GMT

piotrthevisigoth: wanting human contact is human

piotrthevisigoth: but

piotrthevisigoth: humans are weak

Consult An Atlas: That is hard to accept as a person struggling with overwhelming weakness.

Consult An Atlas: Denial denial denial.

piotrthevisigoth: remember sex

piotrthevisigoth: remember death

piotrthevisigoth: and remember food

piotrthevisigoth: that's what I do

February Twenty Third

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 06:02:18 GMT

I like to take the days from Valentine's day until now to mark a vary dark time in my life.

My actions were very childish and immature.

I'd like to humor myself into thinking that I've come a long way since then.

But, who knows?

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 07:45:01 GMT

I told Chris I couldn't be his friend.

I said, "So that's it."

He didn't say anything.

He let me leave.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:50:14 GMT

Peter and I are going to the Netherlands.

Sure, I'll miss the fall.

I have to get away from these leech-like boys.

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 07:56:37 GMT

Someone.

Should I trust this kind of thing to work out?

Or...

Do I accept reality, and give up hope?

I don't know if I could take another heart breaking.
This time could do me in.
Is it worth the risk?

I'm so torn.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 23:44:15 GMT

I have no idea how he sees me. Maybe just a friend. That's alright, I guess. I'm really starting to adore him. Very twitterpated. It was a very easy and natural connection. At no point in time did I feel like it was hard to be around him. Like I said, I have no idea how he sees me, but I really like him. Thankfully, I'm on edge after my previous two. So. I'm trying very hard to see past my idealizations of him and to the real person. This might be something very nice. Whatever it is. It's a natural connection.

Meanwhile... 19 more days to go.

Today Today Today

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 21:33:02 GMT

Greg was an absolute asshole.
As he usually is.

So I called him and he didn't even pick up.
So I told him he was an asshole.
And that he shouldn't talk to me if he was just going to keep being mean.

And I told him I didn't deserve the shit he had put me through.
Life is way too short.
I'm not going to take shit from him or Jeff or any of them.

Fuck them.
Why do I have to live by their standards?
Yeah. I fucking DON'T.

Sha-Fucking-Zam

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 14:02:03 GMT

Fucking eat this. EAT THIS.

今天我去Providence了因为我得上书店。我可能去Swansea但是我在那里的时候我不高兴。Provi不太远了。我也去因为我的朋友在那里住。他叫Hal。他在Whole Foods工作。哪个地方很大！我W. F.内编的时候我喜欢看苏人。他们真的W.F.喜欢。今天我要去那个地方艘以我要Hal问路。我以前去过那个书店，但是我不记得怎么走。不好学！我的朋友在Provi住过一年，所以他知道怎么走。我到W.F.的时候我的朋友有空儿。他给我很贵饭因为我饿了。我吃饭以后他给我校地图。五点半我找到书店。我回家的时候我的叫人问我，“你买什么书？”她看见我新书人后她笑。。。我买错了。今天我不好意思。

我的父母有两个孩子所以我就有一个同胞兄妹(sibling?)。他叫Alden。他十四岁所以他我的弟弟。我是他的姐姐可是Alden很高。他是十三年生的，属鸡的。我是十九年上的，属龙的，所以我们长的老朋友。可爱吗？年今年他高级中学开始。前年他用功学生。我也用工学生。我们的父母非常高兴了。今年老师给我的弟弟的功课不做。真得不好! 我要他帮助但是Alden在我们的老家。我们都不喜欢打电话不过我得帮助。我给我的弟弟打了一个电话。他不高兴但是我们有聊天。“现在你做什么？做功课吗？”他说，“我写攻克写了一个钟头了，还没写完。”我跟Alden很久聊天。九点半的时候他攻克完。今天聪明能拿小鸡了。

今天是新年！我非常高兴。现在我在Gorham, Maine因为我的朋友（Greg）在这里住。今天的晚上Greg的朋友都来因为我们有一个晚会。他的家很大所以我们都能跳舞。明天我不回家应为我要太累。我到他的家的时候我和Greg聊天。他紧张好像。我懂了，因为下学期我是他的奴朋友。没关系。现在我们很好的朋友。我们不能使对象可是我们脱离以后我们玩得很高兴。很有意思。我和他都非常不同所以不动住一起。我希望Greg也要成密切。说到曹操！Greg小卖部回来。他买很多便宜啤酒。我问他，“你买便宜啤酒？今天晚上是新年所以你得做很好的点心。你灌喝不好河的啤酒。”他笑我。“没关系，小努孩子。我买你好喝果汁。”“真的吗？”“真的。” 我很高兴因为我不可以喝啤酒他常常忘记。“好了。我们得打扫开始。”现在我得晚会准备。新年快乐~

我真的不喜欢看医生。我的医生没有好的办法。他坏的医生因为它没有信用。他叫医生Esposito。他从来难受。他不喜欢我因为我坏是病人。他说“请你走过来”的时候，我要说“你走开。”今天非常不好因为我病了。我的信念很高兴，但是我回到家去的时候我敢冒了。饭后我的肚子很疼所以我不能吃饭。我也头疼。我不可以生病因为我没有时间，再说，也没有钱。我得做什么？我扶们问我，“你为什么不看我们的医生？怎么了？”我不对看病有兴趣。所以我说，“我饿死了可是不给我送一点吃的东西去，好吧？”我的妈妈说，“你得走上楼。快点，快点！你得休息一下。”要是我休息一下就我不必须看我的医生。很聪明，好不好？猜对了！。。。今天的下午我看医生Esposito同意了。要不然病会越来越重。我太饿了。

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 14:06:27 GMT

It's so funny. I must have really shut myself off for the month.
I know I said I was going to give up feeling any excitement or remorse from romantic encounters.
I absolutely achieved that. Who thought you could just shut yourself off like a switch?
Healthy? Who the fuck cares. I mean, if I can not give a shit about casual sex, having my recent ex accuse me of still wanting something unrealistic, and my most recent ex ignore me entirely, I must be doing this experiment right.
And I'm glad too. I haven't been moping around, lamenting my fate.
I've been drawing and working and doing a lot more of living on my own.
This is a lovely break from my normal bed hopping.
I'm not saying, "Oh snap. Bitch is reckless and a ho."
But. I'm glad to just not give a shit about who I impress or how I act around potential partners.
It is a fucking relief.

Phew~